Becoming Lost

“When the wind of change blows, some people build walls, others build windmills.”

Chinese Proverb

It has been a hot minute since I last posted. Life has been life and I’ve been lazy in drifting along with the busy summer days. I have written some here and there. Very scattered thoughts. I believe since my counseling relationship has ended, I’ve just been floundering. Dealing with the grief of the loss of relationship. Being a mom to two little ones. Balancing the new, weird summer schedule. Things in life right now are out of order. When things are out of order, I am not as productive as I should be.

I was really intent on this new chapter when the year started. Now, it is August. I started out really wanting to heal this little girl part in me that was broken so young. I realized I could not heal my adult self without going back and healing her. When my counseling relationship ended, I was hurt, but she was hurt more. When I go throughout my day and remember this relationship is gone, the pain is deep in my chest. It is a deep, old pain. She is so sad. She trusted my counselor and the space which was created. Suddenly, the place was gone. She is back sitting with her legs clutched to her chest. Adult me knows it was no one’s fault why the relationship ended so suddenly. It is life and sometimes things like this just happen. Young me, the little girl, doesn’t understand.

I saw this Chinese proverb. It fits in some ways this situation. I could allow her to build another wall. Thick and strong, like her head. I could allow her to stay in the same place. Sitting in the dark, holding her legs to her chest. Or I could use this. I could harvest this wind. This change. Use it for growth. Use it for putting her, myself, out of my comfort zone, so further growth can happen. Adult me understands this more than the damaged child in me.

I believe I am taking some good steps. I started reading the first chapter of the “Wounded Heart.” I’ll be writing a post about that soon. I have also taken a step in de-cluttering my home. If I have learned nothing about myself in the past 10 years, the one thing I have learned is that I need another person to help me get started with a project. I don’t know if this is a flaw or not, but I am starting to accept it as just part of me at the moment. Like it or not. So I did something I don’t like to do. I reached out for help. There is help that is ready and willing to help me de-clutter, why not accept it? So starting tomorrow, someone is coming to help me clean all the unneeded stuff out of my kitchen. Yay!

I’m going to start posting more regularly again. Schedule my time better and just post my random thoughts even if I don’t think they “are good enough to post.” Until next time, loves.

“A crisis is an opportunity riding the dangerous wind”

Chinese Proverb

This past week, I learned some news I still don’t know how to process. As I mentioned in previous posts, I am in counseling and have been on and off since college. This particular counselor I have been seeing for about five years. She has been an excellent counselor and I believe God brought her into my life when I needed her guidance the most. I developed a trust with her and went further in my healing journey than I had ever gone before. This week, it all changed. Due to a situation outside of our control, we will have to end our counseling relationship. So, just like that, this journey I have been on with her will come to an end.

I was not expecting this. I am not entirely sure how I am feeling about it at the moment. I was really upset at first. I cried, and I hate crying. I tried to fight it as hard as I could, but was very unsuccessful. Now, I think I am in either denial or anger. Maybe a little bit of both. I almost feel cut off from it. I feel a defensiveness towards it. I am angry. This situation I can’t control is touching me. It is violating my life. It is invading my life and ripping someone away from me that I trust. I have come very far in my journey with my counselor. The only solace I feel is God is still in control of this situation. He knew this was coming even though I could not see it. I have come this far in my journey with His gentle leading. This is another step in the process. It is just a step I am more upset to take.

Even though I know He has this in His hands, I still feel angry and defensive. I feel a part deep inside me closing off. I opened up and allowed someone into a place I have barely even been myself. I do not feel like doing that all over again. I do not feel like finding someone else to trust. I have been in both good and bad counseling relationships. I had found a good, healthy counseling relationship. It is daunting to think about finding someone else. I don’t want to be misguided or used. I don’t want to explain everything all over again. I imagine that part deep inside, sitting there with her arms crossed with a solemn, tear stained face. She feels alone and violated. A safe place is being taken from her. A safe person is being ripped away. Her heart hurts.

A new unexpected journey got handed to me. I have to say goodbye to a trusted counselor. I have to let go of a safe place and a safe person. I have to figure out whether or not to find another counselor. All things I do not want to do. I’m angry about it. I want to get mad at someone and yell at them, but there is no one to be mad at. I want to change the situation, but it is out of my hands.

I have to work on processing this information. I don’t even know where to start. I’m sitting here in a crowded coffee shop filled with quiet levels of chatter. The sound of the baristas clinking cups together. Listening to a song that wraps me up and rips me back in time. A time where I was so deep in a struggle I thought I wouldn’t ever be able to get out. Still love the lead singers voice. Still love the sound of the band, but it is hard to listen because of how it transports me. That broken, scared girl is still in there. She is still close. She is still hurting. She is still singing all of the words, trying to get someone to see her and her hurt. Still no one does. Now she has to grieve the loss of a trusted advisor. Someone she let in. Someone who she connected with and let see how broken she really is. I’m not sure how you say goodbye and let it go.

That’s all I have for today. Until next time, loves.

“Don’t struggle so, like a wild frantic bird that is rending its own plumage in its desperation.”

Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

I don’t know about you, but one area I have always struggled with is my identity. I am a mom and wife in my thirties, but I struggle with who I am. I love my life as a mom and I want to be the best mom to my girls as I can be. In order for me to do that, I need to take care of me. Not just normal self-care like grabbing a coffee alone. Showering alone. Taking an hour to read a book or mindlessly watch YouTube on my phone. But actually digging deeper with my care. Those kinds of times will only help me temporarily. I’m looking for a care that is more permanent. I have been going to counseling on and off since college…oh man, 12 years. Wow, that seems like such a long time ago. I will get more into counseling in my later posts. Here, I’m just going to look at my struggle with identifying.

I will never be able to separate being a mother from my identity, nor would I want to. I take pride in the fact I am a mom. However, I have a problem with just being defined as a mother or a wife. Well, to be honest, I have always had a problem with being defined or identified as anything. For me, I have always struggled with my identity and identifying to things. In my mind, I was/am never “qualified” to identify as anything in particular. I believe in high school, I could have identified as an athlete; but even then it would have been hard for me to feel like I could back it up. I never felt like a “college student.” Even picking my major, I felt like all of the majors were for someone else. “That’s not for me.” “This is for someone else.” I never felt like I could own it or I could do it or if I even wanted to do it. Maybe, I never felt worthy enough. Even now, it irritates my husband that I won’t identify as certain things. I love playing video games, but I won’t say I’m a “gamer.” I love to rock climb, but I won’t say I’m a “climber.” I am a mother, but I find myself even having trouble identifying as a “mom.” It’s like “Oh yeah, I guess I am in my thirties and am a mother of two.” It’s even hard for me to call myself a “woman,” because I still feel like a girl. If that makes any sense.

Getting married and changing my name really shook things up in the area of my identity. In college, I was going through this phase of fighting to be “Amanda.” Being seen as me. I was really trying to figure myself out. I didn’t even see me as me, so how was anyone else supposed to? Right out of high school, I started dating a guy 4 years older than me. We dated for 3 years and then I broke it off. Those 3 years, I was really wrapped up in him and being his girlfriend, I never grew into myself. I was consumed in the world of being his girlfriend. Morphing my life into his. When I broke up with him, I had no idea who I was. I went through some growing up. Learning more about myself and who I was and wanted to be. I was able to be independent and not be a part of someone. Looking back, I didn’t do as much growing as I thought I did. I started dating a year later and got wrapped up in another dating relationship all over again. I wasn’t firm in who I was, which was made evident by the collapse of the little self I had built for the second time and by the loss of dear friends.

It was a quick dating relationship and before I knew it, we were married. If you think you struggle with your identity, then go get married and watch it crumble out of your hands like an old, stale cookie. I opened my eyes and my name had changed. I was no longer Amanda. I was a wife. I was another woman in my husband’s family. My husband and his family hold a lot of pride in their name. It should have been comforting to me, but it brought up a fight in me. A defensiveness. “I’m not a Smith woman. I’m Amanda, dammit. Can’t you see me?” It took me so long to understand their pride in their name. To understand their pride in their family and who they were as a family. Again, it should have been comforting to me. It should have given me a sense of belonging. It should have given me a sense of identity. Instead, it got me ready for a fight. Instead, it made me angry. It made me resistant. It hurt.

Then, one day, I received a letter that said “Mrs. Benjamin Joseph Smith” and there it was, staring at me. My identity taken completely away, to the fullest extent, in writing. The girl inside me got so angry. Even “Amanda” was gone. In my mind at the time, marriage, my husband, and his family had taken my name away from me. The thing I was desperately trying to hold onto. All I thought I had was my name. I had been longing my whole life for my identity and desperately held on to the little I had. Just like that, I felt it was taken from me.

Even though I have grown a lot since then, I still recognize that girl and am still closer to her than I care to admit today. The point of going back and bringing that all up to the surface, is to say that this year, I am going to allow myself to wrestling with this struggle. Allow myself to connect and identify on any level. On lighter stuff like being a “gamer” or a “climber” and on deeper levels. To be honest, it is the deeper levels that need the most healing, but starting small will help with the bigger, deeper steps. Starting small will help the bigger steps not seem so big.

Being older and further into my journey, I recognize this area of identifying has to do with shame. Shame steals joy. Shame has stolen a lot in my life. Shame says, “You aren’t that. That is someone else better than you.” “You aren’t qualified to be that.” “You are a fraud and everyone knows it.” I don’t know why shame has such a loud, far reaching voice. This year I want to overcome shame and start gathering the joy that comes from identifying and connecting to things and people. To stop hiding in my lack of identity and start claiming who I am and was created to be.

Such a big topic to chew on and revisit throughout this journey. With different areas such as this one, I feel like I am just on the tip of the iceberg. I’m only seeing the top and have no idea how big the whole beast underneath the surface is, or how deep and far it spreads. I look forward to sharing more about how I’ve grown from this mindset. More to uncover later. Until next time, loves.

For me, I was looking forward to the start of 2019. I had an excitement about the year. Not really sure why, but I did. Like a new hunger for life and what it had to offer. Then it started and it started off really, really slow. We all got sick among other things. It just started off sluggish. The hunger I felt for the year was drowning in the exhaustion of life. It is like I expected to wake up different in January. To wake up with more energy and some sort of change – but I was still the same. The house work was still the same. My energy level was still the same. Nothing was matching up with what I pictured in my mind. Then before I knew it, it was April.

A goal of mine this year is to make a goal. Literally, just make at least one goal. Laughable, right? I’m serious though. I go through each year feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything, but why would I accomplish anything? I didn’t make any goals to strive to. It’s like I subconsciously expect the accomplishments to just fall into my lap. Every morning, I wake up, “get through” the day, go to bed, and do it all over again the next day. It’s very dull. Yes, certain days and months are busier than others, but overall, it feels like I aimlessly wander through the year. Aimlessly, passively drifting.

I have a few goals bouncing around I just need to put on paper. Make them measurable and all the things “they” say to do. Some of these goals might sound trivial or lame, but I believe doing even the littlest things you have always wanted to do, should be given a space to become a reality. So my intentions or “goals” may seem small and meaningless to others, but will have a big impact on me. So however “lame” or “small” you think your goals or wants are, don’t let the little voice in your head win. Write your goals down. Make measurable steps to achieving them. Enjoy the journey to accomplishing them. “Enjoying the journey” is a hard one for me. I am a destination type of person. I have to make a conscious choice to enjoy the journey and be at peace with where I am, not just obsessed with where I want to be.

One thing I should mention about this blog: I’m starting from where I am right now in life. Like I said, this is very hard for me. I always want to start 5 steps ahead of where I am. Start out already successful. It’s hard for me to start as a beginner and grow from there. Yes, I do understand that when we start something new, we are typically a “beginner.” One aspect I want to incorporate into this blog is the “how.” How I am achieving certain ideas I’m putting forth in the posts. Being honest about where I am starting from and how I am getting where I want to go with my perfectionism and two kids in tow. Seeing what works and what doesn’t.

Besides focusing on healing my mind, two areas I want to set goals for are my environment and body. By environment, I’m meaning my home, yard, car, etc. The spaces where I live. Minimalism is all the rage right now and the “cool thing to do,” but, even so, it does resonate with me. Usually, a way to get me not to do something is to tell me it is “popular.” Nevertheless, de-cluttering and creating a calm space is appealing and overdue. My mind is so cluttered and busy constantly, I would like to create simplicity and calm in my living space. Go through the house and downsize. Remove what we don’t need or what is causing stress. Then redecorate the spaces with items that have a purpose; be it a visual purpose or practical. Along with this thought process, I have been taking steps towards living a more “natural” life over the past few years. What I mean by that is removing harsh, harmful toxins from my home and food. Getting rid of cleaners and toxic hygiene products. Shopping local and/or fair trade to help support our community and communities around the world. Basically, this area is just striving to live a more conscious, sustainable life.

I feel like this is an important step, because I have learned over the years just how empathic of a person I am. Apparently, there is even a name for people like me, Highly Sensitive Person. No, that doesn’t mean I cry at everything. It just means that I am more sensitive to stimuli around me. I haven’t done too much research on it yet, but that is the basic gist. I need to do more research on the topic. I believe it will help me understand myself better. I don’t think I am even fully aware how much my environment affects me or how big of a difference it will make to my mind. I do have a glimpse of how important the space around me is though, so this makes it a very overwhelming, important goal in my mind. I believe it will lift a weight off me I didn’t fully realize was there. I believe it will help me breathe easier and make more room for growth in other areas.

Another area of intent I want to focus on this year is my body. Becoming more active. I have always been an active person, but since the start of my second pregnancy, I have sort of stopped moving. My pregnancies are hard on me, so I don’t do much during them or after. Also, my anxiety disorder causes me to freeze physically, if that makes sense. Movement and exercise trigger my anxiety. I miss moving and having a focus in the area of physical activity. The two areas I want to focus on first are rocking climbing and fixing my abs. I’ll start with explaining the abs.

I learned after my first pregnancy there is something called Diastasis Recti. It is a common thing that can happen to women who have been pregnant. It is a separation in your ab muscles. I had no idea it was a thing, but apparently I have a two finger gap. Not huge, but it does need to be addressed before I start exercising. Certain workouts and physical activity can make it worse. I bought a program to complete after my first pregnancy, but didn’t get to start it before I found out I was pregnant again. I need to find the program on my computer and schedule it out. It’s only four weeks. That’s not long. The program I have is from Natalie Hodson. She is a great resource and has good information about it and other issues surrounding the subject. I’ll put her link at the end of this post.

Now, rock climbing. I love rock climbing and, sadly, have only been a handful of times. Meaning, only twice on real rock and maybe twice in a gym. I have shoes that probably won’t fit me anymore because they fit my “pre-having-babies” feet. Also, having two little ones, I will definitely need to figure out how to make it work with them. I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t do what they love because they “have kids.” What a terrible burden to put on my children. “I didn’t do this or that, because I had you.” It’s a breeding ground for resentment and terrible guilt to put on my kids. I want to do activities with my babies. It might take some time to figure out how, but I believe it will only benefit us in the end. That’s the point of this journey anyways, isn’t it? So with that; this is a goal: find a climbing gym. Learn the basics of climbing. Start climbing regularly. With two little ones.

I almost feel like a child listing out what they want to do during their summer break. I have so much shame built up. The shame is trying to not allow me to seek out and enjoy actively living life. It is trying to not allow me to have interests or desires. “These are all for other people.” “You’ll never actually do it.” “You are lazy.” “You have no idea what you are doing, so you might as well not even try.” “You’ll look like a fool.” If you have this voice as well, don’t let it defeat you.

If you have made it this far in the post, thanks for bearing with me. Now these are just some of the goals I have floating around in my head. I have been trying to do everything and accomplishing nothing, so I need to start somewhere, with something. Part of me being a better help to others, is to heal me. Part of healing me is to start somewhere. I believe working on these areas will help me work on healing the deep wounds within. It will help me address and heal the wounds I know are there and, eventually, uncover the wounds I don’t see yet. The ones I see now, I do not want to pass onto my girls. I won’t. I would never wish these wounds on them and it would crush me if I gave these to them. They will have their own wounds and burdens to bear and surrender to God, I don’t want mine to be part of them.

With all of that, these are just some random intentions I am wanting to set this year and actually accomplish. I don’t want this to be another year I drift through. I’ve drifted long enough. It’s time to start navigating. It’s time to not be afraid. Afraid of failure or stepping out. Afraid of doing something different or something “for someone else.” It’s time to step forward. It’s time to get lost in new things and find my way through. Until next time, loves.

• Natalie Hodson – https://nataliehodson.com/diastasis-recti/

“I see at intervals the glance of a curious sort of bird through the close set bars of a cage: a vivid, restless, resolute captive is there; were it but free, it would soar cloud-high.” – Charlotte Brontë,  Jane Eyre

My name is Amanda. I’m just a broken, fragmented girl who has made an average, happy life for herself. I stumbled into a life living as a wife to a good man and a mother to two beautiful girls. I’m not sure how I got so lucky, especially, when I look at the emotional turmoil I have put myself through. I have drifted through life. I am a drifter, but not the romanticized, good kind you often hear about. I’m a passive, pessimistic drifter. Always allowing things to happen, but never playing an active part. Just lazily drifting through life. How can you not play the leading role in your life? Somehow I have managed to do just that. I’m not complaining. I love my life and wouldn’t change it for anything. The thing I would change is my presence in it.

This tiny spot on the vast internet will be where I document my journey of becoming a presence in my life. I invite you along with me as I become lost. As I lose myself in order to find myself. As I work on releasing the girl locked inside who is so desperate to escape her captives and live. She has been kept locked away, deep inside, in chains she does not know how to break. This will be a journey of releasing her. Setting her free. This year is going to be about becoming who I was created to be. Becoming the woman myself, my girls, my husband, and the people around me need.

The quotation above is one of my favorites from a little book called Jane Eyre by Charolette Bronte. The first time I heard it, it sunk its claws so deep in me and hasn’t released me since. I believe I am finally ready to unhook its claws. I am ready to walk out of this cage and stop being a captive. Ready to be released. Ready to “soar.”

There will be a myriad of posts from day-to-day life with two active toddlers to ones of my mountain of brokenness. It will be a raw, transparent place to, hopefully, break down the walls built by fear. I have lived surrounded by fear for so long. This will be my attempt to finally tear down those walls. I’m tired of living in secret. Living in shame. It’s time to be vulnerable. It’s time to be real. I hope you find this a place to come, relate, and feel a sense of encouragement. To come and laugh at times. To come and cry at others. I look forward to connecting, sharing, and seeing where this journey will lead. Until next time, loves.