**Trigger warning: If you are sensitive to the subject of sexual molestation, this story will be triggering.
“It’s time to listen to our own story.”
Dan Allender, To Be Told
As is true with everyone, you can’t get to know me or my story without meeting me when I was just a baby. I know that may seem obvious, but I feel like it is particularly important to say because it can be something that is easily forgotten. This is something I am continually learning about myself. The way I process things and go through life has been ingrained in me since I was just a baby. How hurt, damaged, fulfilled, loved, or protected that little child was will have an impact on how I am as an adult. That child lives on in a part of me that affects how I respond to life and others. How I trust or don’t trust. How I love or don’t love. I did not realize the depth of this truth in myself until probably just a couple years ago. Typically, when I would come across an issue or a flaw, as I see it, I would try to figure out why the flaw is there. Or why I process things the way I do. Why I struggle like I do. It eventually comes back around to my childhood.
When I was just a baby, I was sexually molested by my grandfather. I know that is abrupt, but how to do you approach that delicately? It isn’t delicate. It isn’t something in a nice little package that I can present in a nice little way. It is abrupt. It is disruptive. It disrupted my young little life. It rudely changed it forever. It shook the little world that I had and ripped it away from me. What I imagine happened was, a part inside me developed and grabbed up that little girl and sucked her deeper inside. Removing her, locking her far enough away so she wouldn’t be too damaged. Destroying the key and any trace of where she hid her. The truth is, that little girl was already broken by it when she was hidden away. She is locked away, broken and alone.
This journey of releasing the girl I have locked inside me, is not about discovering new hobbies or getting the kitchen more organized. It is about working through this abuse and the affect it has had on my life. I will have to dig deeper this year and address the hurt, scared, little girl I have left alone. I will need to search through broken pieces of that little girl. Examine them. Give them the love and attention they are crying out to have. I believe I have been trying for years to put those pieces back together to no avail.
This year, I need to start doing it the healthy way. Shining light on the areas left blackened by this disease planted in me as a child. It has been left on its own, intertwining itself in all aspects of my soul. It has completely entangled that little girl. It has rooted itself in her heart and has kept her held as a captive. Every once in awhile, I will catch a glimpse of her, in her dark captivity.
To help me along my journey, I will be using the book “Wounded Heart” by Dr. Dan Allender and counseling. Not all my posts will revolve around this topic, however, I will not be able to have growth this year or fully share how I obtained my growth without broaching this subject occasionally and fully immersing myself in it. It is too much a part of me. It is the culprit who has enslaved my soul. I will be writing and posting as I work through the different chapters. I have read this book on and off for several years now. However, it is time I actually read it and work through it with all my focus. It is time to de-tangle this little girl and cut out the disease. She has been enslaved, sad, angry, lost, and alone for too long. I know this is a sensitive subject. I appreciate you for reading it and sharing this part of me. Until next time, loves.
Becoming Lost 