This past week, I learned some news I still don’t know how to process. As I mentioned in previous posts, I am in counseling and have been on and off since college. This particular counselor I have been seeing for about five years. She has been an excellent counselor and I believe God brought her into my life when I needed her guidance the most. I developed a trust with her and went further in my healing journey than I had ever gone before. This week, it all changed. Due to a situation outside of our control, we will have to end our counseling relationship. So, just like that, this journey I have been on with her will come to an end.
I was not expecting this. I am not entirely sure how I am feeling about it at the moment. I was really upset at first. I cried, and I hate crying. I tried to fight it as hard as I could, but was very unsuccessful. Now, I think I am in either denial or anger. Maybe a little bit of both. I almost feel cut off from it. I feel a defensiveness towards it. I am angry. This situation I can’t control is touching me. It is violating my life. It is invading my life and ripping someone away from me that I trust. I have come very far in my journey with my counselor. The only solace I feel is God is still in control of this situation. He knew this was coming even though I could not see it. I have come this far in my journey with His gentle leading. This is another step in the process. It is just a step I am more upset to take.
Even though I know He has this in His hands, I still feel angry and defensive. I feel a part deep inside me closing off. I opened up and allowed someone into a place I have barely even been myself. I do not feel like doing that all over again. I do not feel like finding someone else to trust. I have been in both good and bad counseling relationships. I had found a good, healthy counseling relationship. It is daunting to think about finding someone else. I don’t want to be misguided or used. I don’t want to explain everything all over again. I imagine that part deep inside, sitting there with her arms crossed with a solemn, tear stained face. She feels alone and violated. A safe place is being taken from her. A safe person is being ripped away. Her heart hurts.
A new unexpected journey got handed to me. I have to say goodbye to a trusted counselor. I have to let go of a safe place and a safe person. I have to figure out whether or not to find another counselor. All things I do not want to do. I’m angry about it. I want to get mad at someone and yell at them, but there is no one to be mad at. I want to change the situation, but it is out of my hands.
I have to work on processing this information. I don’t even know where to start. I’m sitting here in a crowded coffee shop filled with quiet levels of chatter. The sound of the baristas clinking cups together. Listening to a song that wraps me up and rips me back in time. A time where I was so deep in a struggle I thought I wouldn’t ever be able to get out. Still love the lead singers voice. Still love the sound of the band, but it is hard to listen because of how it transports me. That broken, scared girl is still in there. She is still close. She is still hurting. She is still singing all of the words, trying to get someone to see her and her hurt. Still no one does. Now she has to grieve the loss of a trusted advisor. Someone she let in. Someone who she connected with and let see how broken she really is. I’m not sure how you say goodbye and let it go.
That’s all I have for today. Until next time, loves.
Becoming Lost 