“When the wind of change blows, some people build walls, others build windmills.”
Chinese Proverb
It has been a hot minute since I last posted. Life has been life and I’ve been lazy in drifting along with the busy summer days. I have written some here and there. Very scattered thoughts. I believe since my counseling relationship has ended, I’ve just been floundering. Dealing with the grief of the loss of relationship. Being a mom to two little ones. Balancing the new, weird summer schedule. Things in life right now are out of order. When things are out of order, I am not as productive as I should be.
I was really intent on this new chapter when the year started. Now, it is August. I started out really wanting to heal this little girl part in me that was broken so young. I realized I could not heal my adult self without going back and healing her. When my counseling relationship ended, I was hurt, but she was hurt more. When I go throughout my day and remember this relationship is gone, the pain is deep in my chest. It is a deep, old pain. She is so sad. She trusted my counselor and the space which was created. Suddenly, the place was gone. She is back sitting with her legs clutched to her chest. Adult me knows it was no one’s fault why the relationship ended so suddenly. It is life and sometimes things like this just happen. Young me, the little girl, doesn’t understand.
I saw this Chinese proverb. It fits in some ways this situation. I could allow her to build another wall. Thick and strong, like her head. I could allow her to stay in the same place. Sitting in the dark, holding her legs to her chest. Or I could use this. I could harvest this wind. This change. Use it for growth. Use it for putting her, myself, out of my comfort zone, so further growth can happen. Adult me understands this more than the damaged child in me.
I believe I am taking some good steps. I started reading the first chapter of the “Wounded Heart.” I’ll be writing a post about that soon. I have also taken a step in de-cluttering my home. If I have learned nothing about myself in the past 10 years, the one thing I have learned is that I need another person to help me get started with a project. I don’t know if this is a flaw or not, but I am starting to accept it as just part of me at the moment. Like it or not. So I did something I don’t like to do. I reached out for help. There is help that is ready and willing to help me de-clutter, why not accept it? So starting tomorrow, someone is coming to help me clean all the unneeded stuff out of my kitchen. Yay!
I’m going to start posting more regularly again. Schedule my time better and just post my random thoughts even if I don’t think they “are good enough to post.” Until next time, loves.
“A crisis is an opportunity riding the dangerous wind”
Chinese Proverb
Becoming Lost 