A new intent for a new season

For me, I was looking forward to the start of 2019. I had an excitement about the year. Not really sure why, but I did. Like a new hunger for life and what it had to offer. Then it started and it started off really, really slow. We all got sick among other things. It just started off sluggish. The hunger I felt for the year was drowning in the exhaustion of life. It is like I expected to wake up different in January. To wake up with more energy and some sort of change – but I was still the same. The house work was still the same. My energy level was still the same. Nothing was matching up with what I pictured in my mind. Then before I knew it, it was April.

A goal of mine this year is to make a goal. Literally, just make at least one goal. Laughable, right? I’m serious though. I go through each year feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything, but why would I accomplish anything? I didn’t make any goals to strive to. It’s like I subconsciously expect the accomplishments to just fall into my lap. Every morning, I wake up, “get through” the day, go to bed, and do it all over again the next day. It’s very dull. Yes, certain days and months are busier than others, but overall, it feels like I aimlessly wander through the year. Aimlessly, passively drifting.

I have a few goals bouncing around I just need to put on paper. Make them measurable and all the things “they” say to do. Some of these goals might sound trivial or lame, but I believe doing even the littlest things you have always wanted to do, should be given a space to become a reality. So my intentions or “goals” may seem small and meaningless to others, but will have a big impact on me. So however “lame” or “small” you think your goals or wants are, don’t let the little voice in your head win. Write your goals down. Make measurable steps to achieving them. Enjoy the journey to accomplishing them. “Enjoying the journey” is a hard one for me. I am a destination type of person. I have to make a conscious choice to enjoy the journey and be at peace with where I am, not just obsessed with where I want to be.

One thing I should mention about this blog: I’m starting from where I am right now in life. Like I said, this is very hard for me. I always want to start 5 steps ahead of where I am. Start out already successful. It’s hard for me to start as a beginner and grow from there. Yes, I do understand that when we start something new, we are typically a “beginner.” One aspect I want to incorporate into this blog is the “how.” How I am achieving certain ideas I’m putting forth in the posts. Being honest about where I am starting from and how I am getting where I want to go with my perfectionism and two kids in tow. Seeing what works and what doesn’t.

Besides focusing on healing my mind, two areas I want to set goals for are my environment and body. By environment, I’m meaning my home, yard, car, etc. The spaces where I live. Minimalism is all the rage right now and the “cool thing to do,” but, even so, it does resonate with me. Usually, a way to get me not to do something is to tell me it is “popular.” Nevertheless, de-cluttering and creating a calm space is appealing and overdue. My mind is so cluttered and busy constantly, I would like to create simplicity and calm in my living space. Go through the house and downsize. Remove what we don’t need or what is causing stress. Then redecorate the spaces with items that have a purpose; be it a visual purpose or practical. Along with this thought process, I have been taking steps towards living a more “natural” life over the past few years. What I mean by that is removing harsh, harmful toxins from my home and food. Getting rid of cleaners and toxic hygiene products. Shopping local and/or fair trade to help support our community and communities around the world. Basically, this area is just striving to live a more conscious, sustainable life.

I feel like this is an important step, because I have learned over the years just how empathic of a person I am. Apparently, there is even a name for people like me, Highly Sensitive Person. No, that doesn’t mean I cry at everything. It just means that I am more sensitive to stimuli around me. I haven’t done too much research on it yet, but that is the basic gist. I need to do more research on the topic. I believe it will help me understand myself better. I don’t think I am even fully aware how much my environment affects me or how big of a difference it will make to my mind. I do have a glimpse of how important the space around me is though, so this makes it a very overwhelming, important goal in my mind. I believe it will lift a weight off me I didn’t fully realize was there. I believe it will help me breathe easier and make more room for growth in other areas.

Another area of intent I want to focus on this year is my body. Becoming more active. I have always been an active person, but since the start of my second pregnancy, I have sort of stopped moving. My pregnancies are hard on me, so I don’t do much during them or after. Also, my anxiety disorder causes me to freeze physically, if that makes sense. Movement and exercise trigger my anxiety. I miss moving and having a focus in the area of physical activity. The two areas I want to focus on first are rocking climbing and fixing my abs. I’ll start with explaining the abs.

I learned after my first pregnancy there is something called Diastasis Recti. It is a common thing that can happen to women who have been pregnant. It is a separation in your ab muscles. I had no idea it was a thing, but apparently I have a two finger gap. Not huge, but it does need to be addressed before I start exercising. Certain workouts and physical activity can make it worse. I bought a program to complete after my first pregnancy, but didn’t get to start it before I found out I was pregnant again. I need to find the program on my computer and schedule it out. It’s only four weeks. That’s not long. The program I have is from Natalie Hodson. She is a great resource and has good information about it and other issues surrounding the subject. I’ll put her link at the end of this post.

Now, rock climbing. I love rock climbing and, sadly, have only been a handful of times. Meaning, only twice on real rock and maybe twice in a gym. I have shoes that probably won’t fit me anymore because they fit my “pre-having-babies” feet. Also, having two little ones, I will definitely need to figure out how to make it work with them. I don’t want to be the person who doesn’t do what they love because they “have kids.” What a terrible burden to put on my children. “I didn’t do this or that, because I had you.” It’s a breeding ground for resentment and terrible guilt to put on my kids. I want to do activities with my babies. It might take some time to figure out how, but I believe it will only benefit us in the end. That’s the point of this journey anyways, isn’t it? So with that; this is a goal: find a climbing gym. Learn the basics of climbing. Start climbing regularly. With two little ones.

I almost feel like a child listing out what they want to do during their summer break. I have so much shame built up. The shame is trying to not allow me to seek out and enjoy actively living life. It is trying to not allow me to have interests or desires. “These are all for other people.” “You’ll never actually do it.” “You are lazy.” “You have no idea what you are doing, so you might as well not even try.” “You’ll look like a fool.” If you have this voice as well, don’t let it defeat you.

If you have made it this far in the post, thanks for bearing with me. Now these are just some of the goals I have floating around in my head. I have been trying to do everything and accomplishing nothing, so I need to start somewhere, with something. Part of me being a better help to others, is to heal me. Part of healing me is to start somewhere. I believe working on these areas will help me work on healing the deep wounds within. It will help me address and heal the wounds I know are there and, eventually, uncover the wounds I don’t see yet. The ones I see now, I do not want to pass onto my girls. I won’t. I would never wish these wounds on them and it would crush me if I gave these to them. They will have their own wounds and burdens to bear and surrender to God, I don’t want mine to be part of them.

With all of that, these are just some random intentions I am wanting to set this year and actually accomplish. I don’t want this to be another year I drift through. I’ve drifted long enough. It’s time to start navigating. It’s time to not be afraid. Afraid of failure or stepping out. Afraid of doing something different or something “for someone else.” It’s time to step forward. It’s time to get lost in new things and find my way through. Until next time, loves.

• Natalie Hodson – https://nataliehodson.com/diastasis-recti/